The Formula for an Ideal Partner

While you may agree or disagree, feel validated or feel disturbed by the idea, research upholds the notion that the majority of our romantic partners share similar characteristics and qualities to, none other than… our parents. Even worse? This is especially true when it comes to negative traits. You may ask yourself “Why?!” after your partner triggers you for what feels like the millionth time. There could actually be a good reason, traced once again back to your “old brain”.

In childhood, almost inevitably, our primary caregivers emotionally wound us in some way. In infancy they are our sole source of protection and sustenance (on top of taking care of themselves and living their own lives!). As we mature, we begin to rely on our parents and caregivers less and less until we have reached autonomy, but they have plenty of chances along the way to deny us of the attention, care, and love we so desperately need. If, in adulthood, we are still hurt by these old wounds, why would we seek out partners who seem to reinforce the pain? Because they give us the unique opportunity re-create our early experiences, but with a new and more desirable outcome. We can finally get what we needed long ago in childhood in order to heal old wounds. (Note: this does NOT apply in the case of those who experienced childhood abuse and neglect.)

Alright, so one aspect of the ideal partner is that they are similar to our parents. It gets even weirder… the second condition is that they are different from, in some ways the exact opposite of, ourselves. Perhaps this one is not as shocking, if you subscribe to the old adage “opposites attract”. But the reason for this goes deeper. Throughout childhood, we begin to develop a concept for ourselves: a narrative about our identity, or a set of things we “are” and “are not”. This concept usually is influenced by external systems (parents, teachers, social media, etc.), such as a parent telling a daughter she is meant to be a home maker, and so the daughter grows up with a self concept that “I am not smart, ambitious, competent, etc.”. We are innately attracted to people who have the characteristics that we long ago discarded from our own sense of self, because through association with a partner, we can reattribute a characteristic to ourselves. We can reclaim a lost part of ourself by closely associating/emotionally attaching with someone who fulfills it.

So according to this theory, we can create a kind of formula for the “perfect” partner: similarity to parent + compensation for lost part of self = ability to achieve the ideal gratification of healing childhood wounds. While this is not the composition of every successful partnership, it answers some questions about why we are attracted to certain people more than others. It also provides a road map for how to succeed within this dynamic, which can be taught and explored in therapy.